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Transgendered - Sarah Lynn's Journey To Womanhood
Sep. 14th, 2007
06:13 pm - Two Years In Georgia-Two Years Old As Sarah
Today I have been living in Georgia as Sarah for two years. I now consider 9-14 as my new birth date. When I moved here two years ago I left all family and friends behind in search of peace, happiness and to find my true self. As far as peace goes in my own mind I have found some but I'm not sure I will ever find total peace. There is always the nagging questions, did I do the right thing, did I hurt to many people for my own peace of mind and then there are always people I meet or just see while out shopping that won't let me have any peace of mind with there dirty looks and rude comments. There is always someone waiting to remind You that Your not a real girl, they judge me by my looks never taking time to know me. But I've found a little peace in knowing that as Sarah I'm a very caring and loving person and no matter what I do there will always be people ready to put me down and that I feel is there lose.
As far as happiness, yes I think I'm happy. I'm Sarah all the time except for work ( which I hope to change soon ) even then if not in my looks at least in my mind I'm Sarah. I'm starting to meet and make new friends. I love going shopping, I need so many things, all these years collecting male clothes and memories and only two years as Sarah, leaves a lot of catching up to do. I've been on hormones for almost 3 years now and I love the way my mind and body have changed. I am starting hair removal in a few weeks :) it's a big step for me, I hate shaving! I look forward to other changes in the future to help me look a little more feminine. I'm not asking for miracles but just a little help, lol. I'm not happy about losing my family and friends back in NY, but I hope someday to at least gain acceptance if not love from some of them. I dream of going back home but I'm really not sure if I can ever go home, then NY was bill's home not Sarah's so maybe I'm already home or maybe I've yet to find Sarah's home? But all in all I'm as happy as I can expect starting life all over again.
Have I found my true self? I think I'm on the right road finally but my journey has just begun. After all these years of hiding who I am and the battles in my own mind it's hard to say but in my heart I know this is who I am. I'm finally being true to Sarah. Sarah is getting her chance to shine and blossom into the woman she was born to be.
I look forward to my future as Sarah. I know I still have a lot of heartbreak ahead but I have become so confident and proud as Sarah and I know I am doing the right thing, I think I'll be able to find my peace and happiness. If not in this lifetime then I'll have to try harder in my next, sooner or later I'll get it right.
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hopefulAug. 24th, 2007
07:51 pm - Telling My Sister I'm Transgendered.
After two years of living in Georgia as Sarah, I decided it was time to tell someone in my family that I am transgendered. I moved here to hide it from and protect them but I have become more content with the person I am and thought it was time to start telling my family the real reason I moved away.
I chose my older sister to tell first because we always got along growing up and I knew if she did not agree with who I am that she would not tell anyone else and would at least respect my privacy. When we were younger we would always be doing things that our parents would not like but no matter what, we looked out for each other and did our best to protect each other, even today I miss those days and often think of how different it might have been if I was her sister then. But I did still love being her younger brother and looking out for her and her for me, I will never forget those days.
So I decided to take the easy way out and email her, we do not live close to each other so I thought this might be the best way. I sent Her a email but gave her plenty of warning not to read past the first paragraph if she couldn't handle the truth of who her brother was. I told her in brief the truth about my being transgendered. I didn't go into great detail but she got the point. I was so scared and for two days I cried and wished I could take the email back, I thought the worst. I should say that she doesn't have access to a computer everyday, so two days was not really that bad to wait for a response, but it felt like a life time to me. I got home from work Monday to find a email from her. I sat there for what felt like hours afraid to push the read email button. Then before I even had the courage to open it I received a phone call from her. The first thing she said was "I Love You" or at least that was the first thing I remember her saying, as I was kind of shocked to hear her voice. She went on to say that she even had thoughts about me being trans before but always put them aside. She said she wished I would have told her sooner instead of hiding it all my life. Then She told be that the one thing that has helped her was me telling her awhile back when She was having problems that, "We only live once and we all are getting older and that we need to live our own lives before it's to late." After that we both just started crying, I'm not sure I have the words to describe how happy I was. I sent her two pics of me as Sarah Lynn, and she said that I looked pretty good as a girl, which was a great compliment. To be honest I think I look somewhat like her, but she is much better looking. We are going to make plans to get together soon, and I can't wait to see her.
At this time I'm not sure how or when I'm going to tell my other three sisters or my kids for that matter. I know that I have to do it soon and thanks to my big sister it might be sooner than later. She has given me the courage to be honest with people about my gender. Although I can not expect the same results, I at least know that I have one sister who will love me as Sarah. I know some may say that I should have told everyone at once but I needed to test the waters first because I could not have taken rejection from everyone at once. Maybe I should have more faith in the people I love and those that love me? I hope now I have that faith no matter where things go from here.
rejuvenatedMay. 28th, 2007
08:26 pm - Four Days Of Being Just Sarah Lynn.
This weekend I had four days off starting with getting out of work early Thursday. I got home Thursday afternoon and showered and shaved. Then I polished my nails and put on my makeup and got dressed as Sarah, leaving bill behind until tuesday morning. I was so excited to not have to switch back and forth from bill to Sarah. Not having to spend my days at work pretending to be bill and thinking about Sarah. For me one of the hardest things is being two different people everyday.
The weekend was great. Lots of sun, shopping, food and spending time with friends. It felt so good to go to bed at night and know I could wake up as Sarah. Not worrying about every night making sure I get all my makeup off, remove all nail polish and all signs of Sarah,and getting back into bill mode.
This weekend was just a peek at what life could really be like and how happy I could be.
But it's Monday night and here I sit getting ready for bill to appear again. Maybe someday I will find a way to be Sarah 24/7, but for now I'll just have to live for times like this past weekend.
Hugs Sarah Lynn
Apr. 28th, 2007
07:49 pm - Shopping For Male Work Clothes.
Today I had to do something I haven't done for quit sometime, I shopped for male clothes. I have not bought anything for bill in so long I forgot just how much men's clothes really suck. Since summer is coming and the weather is warming up I needed new work shirts. The problem being, since my breast have grown I can no longer wear just t-shirts. I work construction and the last few days the guys I work with where working in t-shirts or no shirt, while I am wearing a t-shirt plus a long sleeve plaid winter shirt. They even asked me a couple times why I don't take my shirt off, boy would they get a surprise, it would look like wet t-shirt night at the local club. Then again they might like it lol.
So I went looking for a few new shirts, more summer type with short sleeves. I must say I shopped as my male self ,which I hated. It felt so weir shopping as bill looking for male clothing. If You saw my room, You would understand. My closet is full of Sarah clothes except for three pairs of work jeans and four or five work shirts. I have a total of nine drawers in my dressers with only one having male clothes. Even when I do run to the store or go out as bill,I'm wearing girls underwear and jeans, along with girl sneakers and most of my shirts would pass as either male or female. The only time I'm totally bill is at work, while not even then I always wear women's underwear lol. Anyway I looked around and found a couple of shirts which I hated but needed. I felt so strange, like it wasn't really me shopping. I felt out of place even though I was in male mode. All I was thinking about is going over to the girls department and finding something girlie to wear, I hated wasting Sarah's money on bill. What a weird thought that was, Sarah hating spending money on bill, even though I knew he needed the clothes. It was almost like bill was just some guy Sarah knew and she was not happy buying him clothes, when she needs so much herself. I guess Sarah is a little selfish lol. Sitting here now thinking about it, I realize just how much I am Sarah and what little there is left of bill. It's sad in away to see bill go but also great to realize that finally my body and mind are truly becoming one as Sarah, the person I was born to be.
Are there any other girls or guys going there going through the same thing? I would love to hear Your thoughts and stories. Hugs Sarah Lynn
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nostalgic